“Selfish” is not typically something mothers strive to be. It’s frowned upon to put your interests before those of your family. Martyrs are far more celebrated than the selfish. But are martyrs happy? Is it healthy? Do martyrs ever survive?
The key is to find a sweet spot between selfishness and martyrdom. It is so important to live in that space where you are far from egocentric but do not allow sacrifice to be all-consuming. I call that sweet spot “healthy selfishness.” In this space, you take time to do something that benefits you, not your kids or your partner or your family… just you. It’s not terribly difficult to define this space but one very strong deterrent can stand between you and healthy selfishness…guilt.
When you bring a small helpless human being into the world you innately feel like it’s your sole responsibility to provide for their every need even if that means abandoning your interests. There just doesn’t seem to be enough time to care for this new being and yourself. You skip showers, sleep and all the things that used to make you, … well you. That lasts for a while, weeks, months sometimes years. But that practice invariably leads to that dismal day when you look in the mirror and say, “who the hell is that.” Living this way is unsustainable. You must take care of yourself otherwise you will be no good to anyone else.
How do you practice healthy selfishness?
Find your happiness.
What makes you happy? Think about this and identify a few things you like to do. It may sound simple but if you don’t focus on this as a young mother you can become so entrenched in serving others that you literally don’t know what makes you happy.
I recall speaking to my aunt when she was in her 70s. She had spent her entire life serving her kids, her husband, and every other family member. She was a people-pleaser. When her kids had grown and had their own families she slipped into a deep depression. In an effort to cheer her up I asked her what she likes to do that makes her happy. She stared into space and in all sincerity said, “I don’t know.” She had completely lost her identity. She could not identify one activity that brought her joy. Perhaps this is not uncommon for her generation. But I’d like to think we have come a long way from simply existing to serve or kids and families. Mothers are individuals who make lots of sacrifices. Our identity should not be one of them.
So, identify what makes you happy early. Of course, your interests and desires may change but it is imperative that you always be in touch with and in search of that thing you do for only yourself that brings you joy. For me, that “thing” was once working part time. It made me feel good to use the education I worked so hard to complete and earn some money. I went through a phase where hard core workouts at the gym helped me relieve a lot of tension and feel good about myself. At another point in my life, yoga became an activity that contributed to my well-being in a real way. More recently, hiking has filled a void and given me hours of enjoyment. These are things I did for myself. They benefited me and in turn my kids who had a mother that was balanced (for the most part).
Schedule time for your interests.
Set aside time in your week to do your “thing.” Be consistent and commit to giving yourself time for you. If you set aside the same time of day on the same day of the week it becomes easier to fit your “thing” into your schedule and everyone will become accustomed to giving you space during your “me” time. If you go to yoga at 10am every Saturday, you would be amazed how everyone learns to fend for themselves for a few hours come Saturday morning. There will always be something else you should or could be doing. When you are finished taking care of your happiness, you can tackle those responsibilities more effectively and efficiently.
Get help without guilt.
Invariably, you will need someone to step in and handle your responsibilities while you practice healthy selfishness. Ask for help. Your mother-in-law will watch your kids if you ask, and she might even enjoy it. And if she doesn’t, its okay. Don’t feel guilty, she can make a small sacrifice for an hour or two. Stay true to your mission. It will benefit the entire family if you take care of yourself too.
When I was in my hardcore workout phase, my youngest daughter was a toddler. There was a playroom at my gym where little ones could be entertained while you worked out. She hated it. I tried everything to get her excited about going. I used to call it “Gym Camp” and talked it up as being just like the camp her older siblings enjoyed. She wasn’t buying it. I tried bribing her with a smoothie at the gym café. She was not having it. This kid was a strong willed three-year-old. But I refused to feel guilty for taking time for myself. She went to “Gym Camp,” she didn’t like it, but she tolerated it. And on some level perhaps she learned that we all must sometimes do things we don’t like to help the ones we love. Was I being selfish? Technically, yes. But it was healthy selfishness, and it was essential to my survival.
