It starts out innocently enough. Cool mom takes your five-year-old to a salon for a mani-pedi. Then at 10, the cool mom lets them stay up all night, eat junk food and watch scary movies. By the time they are in middle school the cool mom is buying alcohol for underage parties and enabling a host of inappropriate behavior. The transition from innocent to troublesome can happen very quickly.
When my daughter was a freshman in high school she was invited to her friend’s house for a sleepover. Her friend had a cool mom. The plan was for the girls to meet at a coffee shop in town where they would hang out for a bit and then be picked up by Cool Mom and return to their house for the night. At 10pm, I checked my daughter’s location and saw that she was at a random house on the outskirts of town. She was far from the coffee shop and not at her friend’s house. I texted my daughter, “where are you?” No answer. I texted Cool Mom, “Is she with you? I’m texting her and she is not responding.” No answer. I called my daughter. No answer. Cool Mom finally texts, “they’re at the coffee shop, I’m going to pick them up now.” Hmmmm…. “Please have her call me when you pick her up,” I replied.
Over the next few days, the truth was revealed. That night, the girls met a group of older boys in town. One of the boys invited my daughter back to his house with a group of older kids. When Cool Mom arrived in town to pick up the girls, she offered to take my daughter to the older boy’s home and return to pick her up in a couple of hours. She then took her own daughter home with her. There was no discussion about getting permission from me. As far as I knew, my daughter was at a sleepover. Clearly, Cool Mom was not expecting me to check my daughter’s location during the evening. But when caught, Cool Mom covered for my daughter and lied to me. Not “cool” at all. And that was the very moment Cool Mom’s indulgence went from innocent to dangerous. Of course, my daughter was at fault and was dealt an appropriate punishment. I was furious with her but could not overlook the fact that she would not have been in that position had Cool Mom not driven her. When cool moms start enabling your child to make bad choices, it’s time to take action.
What Motivates a Cool Mom?
First, it’s helpful to understand what motivates the cool mom? Cool moms want to be their child’s friend rather than an authority figure. They engage in permissive parenting which, according to developmental psychologist Diana Baumrind is characterized by low demands with high responsiveness. A mom may be permissive in response to her own overly strict upbringing or guilty feelings for working too much or neglecting her child.[1] These moms rarely say “no” and give into their child’s desires and wishes without setting rules or enforcing limits consistently.[2] In my experience, cool moms take permissive parenting to a new level. Not only do they want to be friends with their kid, but they also want to be friends with yours. They accomplish this by indulging your child as they do their own. Worst case scenario, they enable and sometimes encourage your child to make bad choices in order to establish their position as the cool mom.
Some cool moms are lovely, and their permissive behavior stems from their desire to avoid conflict at all costs. Other cool moms are downright diabolical. They are capable of conspiring with your child to give them what they want and can’t get from their “regular” mom. But some of your child’s closest friends may have a cool mom. As a matter of fact, the cool mom could be your friend. Cutting ties with them completely is not always practical and may not be necessary if you can come to an understanding. The key is to show the cool mom and your child that you are paying attention and have an expectation that your rules be followed.
Setting Boundaries with a Cool Mom
Cool moms will often cede to your requirements if you strongly express them. Try communicating these points to your child and the cool mom:
- Establish ground rules. Speak to your child about your expectations when they are with the cool mom. Reinforce your rules and make sure your child understands that your rules do not change by location. Talk to them about consequences if your rules are not followed.
- Solidify the game plan. Ask questions, be nosey. Ask both the cool mom and your child what they intend to do. Make sure everyone is on the same page and understands that if plans change you expect to be notified.
- Know what happens. Understand what transpires when your child is in the care of the cool mom. Check in throughout the night to make sure they are where they said they would be, doing what they said they were doing.
Kids need rules. Regular moms make rules. If being a “regular” mom is the price we must pay to keep kids safe and raise respectful and responsible children than…I’m cool with that.
[1] Loving Limits: What’s Wrong with Permissive Parenting? kindercare.com
[2] Permissive Parenting: New Research Reveals Effects on Child Development. parentingforbrain.com.
