Inaugural Blog:

Reinventing the “Stay-at-Home” Mom

Having it all…but not all at once.

I fumbled with my keys while clutching my purse, two grocery bags and the mail I had just retrieved from an overcrowded mailbox that I forgot to visit for three days.  Bursting into the house just before my arms gave way, I dropped the pile of mail on the kitchen counter and there it was… a “Save the Date” postcard for my Law School 30th reunion.  I immediately thought, “oh, I can’t go to that. I raised children.” Sure, I was a litigation attorney for 12 years, but my legal career dead-ended when I chose to be a stay-at-home mom. Ughh… I hate that label.  I never met a stay-at-home mom who ever stayed at home for any appreciable amount of time unless she was stricken with a severe and completely debilitating illness. And even then, she would make arrangements with friends, relatives, and local restaurants to cover her responsibilities while she was grounded at home.

An Upgraded Title for the Stay-at-Home Mom

I guess I am reluctant to attend my law school reunion because I think that my work in raising kids would not be impressive or respected by my peers.  Everyone wants to be respected for the work they do, and an impressive job title is a starting point.  The title, “stay-at-home mom”, needs to be upgraded to accurately reflect and fully encompass the work required to perform this job. If I were looking for employment opportunities, I might start by perusing LinkedIn.  A LinkedIn job description for a stay-at-home mom might read like this:

• Shape the lives of clients, young people ranging in age from 0-18 years old, who have no idea what the world has in store for them.

• Guide clients through various adventures and challenges enabling them to explore new things and discover their interests and strengths.  

• Provide food, clothing and shelter to ensure the health and safety of clients.  Cater to individual tastes as they evolve thorough various stages of life.  

• Support clients through physical and emotional crisis. Be skilled and resourceful in obtaining the best care for clients to ensure optimal outcome. 
• Reason, negotiate and compromise in order to proceed efficiently through daily activities

• Be present.  Work hours, 24/7, no vacation time, no sick days and no training provided. Salary paid in smiles, laughter and satisfaction of a job well done where applicable.

In general, the perfect person for this job is a selfless, extremely motivated, strong-willed multi-tasker. It’s a hard job, the hardest I’ve ever performed in my lifetime.  Even more reason that the job deserves a title that reflects the total dedication, expertise and perseverance it requires. How about, “Managing Director of Family Development.” I like that.  If I put this on my resume to account for the 18-year gap since my last traditional job, it would be favorably evaluated by any AI platform that was pre-screening my credentials for a prestigious position.  It commands respect and reflects skill, dedication, and valuable experiences.  When I’m all dressed up caressing a Pinot Noir at the cocktail hour of my law school reunion, I can proudly announce this title and watch all my former classmates raise their eyebrows and in lean in to learn more.  It’s perfect. 

What Could Have Been

Stepping away from professional practice to be a full-time Managing Director of Family Development undoubtedly changed the trajectory of my life.  This is ever more apparent when I spend time with woman who have kept their professional day job.  I know, I know, “Comparison is the thief of joy.”  But it’s also an inevitable part of life. I have kept in touch with two of my former co-workers for the better part of twenty years.  Both women chose to continue practicing law.  They never made me feel “less successful” but in my head I was “less than,” what I could have been. It was hard for me to accept my path and not feel disappointed in myself.  

One Saturday afternoon in March, the three of us met for brunch in the Gramercy section of Manhattan.  We excitedly babbled on about vacations, family, clothes, health issues and gossiped about our past co-workers.  Of course, I asked about their work because I was genuinely interested in what they were doing.  Annie was ending her career after more than 30 years of successful practice and had taken on a mentoring role at the firm where she was a partner. She had kids, amazing kids, and a great husband. Pretty impressive career path.  Charlotte had climbed the legal latter and was General Counsel for a world renown luxury fashion house.  She had a partner but did not have children of her own. Impressive and cool!  I always left our brunches in awe of all they do.  They are a couple of incredibly accomplished ladies.  

On my train ride home, I decided to fill my time by Googling their names. Screen after screen of their faces flashed over my phone listing all their accomplishments and accolades.  Then I started to think about the women I had been friends with in law school and started Googling their names. “Wow! She’s a partner at that firm.  Incredible, she’s a judge now.  Good for her, she’s a law professor!”  If I compiled all this information about my former classmates, it would make an amazing brochure for my alma mater.  But would my accomplishments be acknowledged in that same brochure?

Then I did something daring, I Googled my name…. Nothing.  Well, not exactly nothing. Several photos and social media accounts appeared of a 30-something lady who shares my name.  She was a biker, with bleach blonde hair and a deep appreciation for succulents.  She was living her best life.  But she wasn’t me. Do I have anything to offer the world if I don’t even exist to Google? I have cautioned my kids numerous times not to judge their worth by what they see on social media and here I was questioning my life choices because of my lack of presence on social media.  Crazy, but the feelings of inferiority were real. “It’s time to blast some Pink songs”, I thought. “But before I do that, let me google my kids’ names.”   I have three, an accomplished scholar who graduated summa cum laude from a prestigious university, a D1 baseball pitcher, and a professional child actress.  Ok, here we go.  An explosion of articles written about them, pictures, and videos of them doing their thing in the spotlight, listing accomplishment after accomplishment.  So that’s what I have been doing for the past 18 years.  I felt a lot better but wondered; Can I feel accomplished vicariously through their achievements or should I want my own?  

 

Did I make the right choice?

Stepping away from a thriving career was not an easy decision.  I was scared that my worth in the “real world” would be diminished. My fear was that I could never be anything other than someone’s mom after I walked away from the profession I had worked so hard to master.  It wasn’t that I was a mom, it was that I was only a mom.  

  

But then I considered this: Statistically, 90% of the time a parent spends with their child happens before the child turns 18 years old. The time to make an impact is condensed and therefore more precious. If you ask any high-powered executive of any gender, most will tell you that their greatest accomplishment in life is their kids.  So why wouldn’t I want to devote myself full time to the one thing that will be my greatest accomplishment in life?  Most people want a job they enjoy (most of the time).  If that job affords them the opportunity to impact the world in a positive way, it’s a huge bonus.  The truth is, being a Managing Director of Family Development enabled me to capitalize on the limited time I had with my kids, support my family and contribute to the betterment of society in a real way.  I took full advantage of the valuable time I had with them. My impact on the world is greater than it would have been if I spent my time pushing papers around a desk, blasting emails, and attending zoom meetings. When I look around the family dinner table I think, “I made this.” It’s a badge of honor I get to wear forever.  But it’s ok for me to want more for myself and I do.  

Here’s my great epiphany.  Life is long. You CAN do it all…but you don’t have to do it all at once.  Whether you decide to pause your career for 6 months, 6 years or 18 years, opportunity will always knock because a strong work ethic never gets old.  For years I told my kids; ”Dream big, work hard, believe in yourself and just do it.”  It’s time for me to take my own advice.  I don’t have to be one thing for the rest of my life and the possibilities are endless.  It’s half time and there’s a lot of game left.  I enjoyed my years as an attorney, loved being a Managing Director of Family Development, and if you are reading this, I might be a freelance writer now.